Your childhood home may say a lot about your leadership today

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Executive coach and organizational psychologist Pam Manfredo Curtis has worked with top corporate leaders for 35 years, discussing their best and worst moments and how to improve. The big lesson she has drawn from them is that the most significant predictor of how you show up in your interpersonal interactions as a leader is your childhood.

“What if your present-day leadership limitations aren’t a result of a lack of critical thinking skills, knowledge or experience? What if your inability as a leader to connect with others lies in your past? What if what you learned and practiced as a child has a much deeper influence on you than you realize?” she writes in The Origin of a Leader.

She acknowledges that can be a heavy, depressing thought as you may have to consider a past you wanted to forget or become more self-aware than you think you have time for. At the same time, she stresses it is also freeing because you’ve identified an untapped strategy for growing as a leader and as a person. Indeed, you may have hidden strengths that originated in your childhood and that you’ve yet to fully realize. Your blueprint for the future may come from reconsidering the past.

One technique she shares is to consider your home environment and its impact. She has found nine common childhood environments that fall into three broad categories: Homes of stability, which are positive, idyllic or predictable; homes of complexity, which make someone question themself and their worth; and homes of trauma, which offer little or no security.

You may have had only one primary environment or also been influenced by a second. Each of us can be affected differently by an environment but there are broad trends that she has found most likely.

The three homes of stability are:

• The Nest: Children grow up experiencing the unconditional love of a parent, are challenged to work hard, learn confidence and feel supported through their struggles. At their best, leaders from such homes are nurturing achievers, aspiring to recreate their childhood environment for their teams. Be sure, however, you realize that both caring and insisting on performance can go together, and you don’t become a people pleaser.
• The Model Home: The values of parents, grandparents and other caregivers shine through in this environment. Leaders from such backgrounds tend to be value champions, actively communicating their moral compass and inspiring colleagues through their values. She warns you to become interested as well in the values of others, to encourage more genuine dialogue and not to become over-zealous about your own preferences.
• The Matriarchy: The home is ruled by a powerful woman or multiple powerful women. Boys from such backgrounds are often leaders comfortable working with female peers and bosses – champions of women. The daughters of strong mothers generally become confident, focused and determined leaders who want to get results. Men from such environments may need to become better at identifying and sharing emotions as their mothers were so focused on getting things done and women should be alert to getting balance in their life and avoid being too assertive in conflict.

The three homes of complexity she identifies are:

• In the Shadow: Another well-known family member, generally a parent, outshone the child. As leaders, such children can become illuminators, honouring the abilities of others without feeling they must outshine them. Be sure, however, to challenge yourself to deepen your self-awareness and clarify and define your leadership purpose, getting out of the shadow of that star from the past.
• The Nomad: The family constantly moved, which can lead children to become self-reliant and emotionally guarded. As leaders, they can be chameleons, taking on different roles in order to feel needed and adjusting to what is required in each situation, without tuning in to their emotions. She advises you to deal with attachment issues and actively observe your emotions, considering how you may pull away from others.
• The Phantom Limb: The child suffers significant, unexpected loss, either through death or divorce. As leaders, she finds them often resilient, committed partners, deeply invested in the work and personal lives of their team, but carrying a quiet sadness. If that’s your background, she urges you to deal with your grief, loss and feelings of abandonment and work through resulting blockages or cynicism.

The three homes of trauma reflect situations where adults failed to provide their children with any reliable sense of safety and security:

• The Maze: The child must navigate the disorienting chaos of an alcohol-addicted parent or parents. As leaders, they tend to be consistent stabilizers, wanting to create steadiness for themselves and others. To be a better leader she advises addressing blocks that may be holding you back, such as anger toward the person who created your unsafe environment and strengthening your ability to have intimate, real conversations and build relationships. 
• Slings and Arrows: Here the child must dodge a parent’s verbal, emotional or physical onslaughts. They can grow into assertive diplomats, not tolerating injustices – standing up for others and themselves. She warns that you may still have to overcome the significant block your abusive parent created and your emotions to a non-bullying parent. Also make sure you don’t become a bully yourself.
• Sounds of Silence: The child silently suffers sexual abuse. They can become vocalists as leaders, but she says first have to find their voice, overcoming the fact they learned their safest place was within themselves. They will tend to let others speak first. She urges people from these situations to give themselves grace and ample time to work though blocks and find and use the gift they probably have for listening and “seeing” what others are experiencing.

Obviously there is more from your childhood influencing your leadership today than the specific child environment. But thinking about that situation is a good springboard for pondering how much your origins affect your leadership today and how to improve.

Cannonballs

• Here’s a new term to add to your vocabulary: “botsitting.” And a question to answer from workplace consultants Rebecca Hinds and Paul Leonardi: How much time do your employees spend botsitting, the invisible, untracked, unrewarded human labour of making AI usable?
• Recruiting specialist John Sullivan urges companies to seek referrals from new employees of other talented people that should be hired. Wait, however, for three months after their onboarding so they will better understand your situation and be more willing to make suggestions (and the candidates they recommend will be more willing to apply).
• When a team celebrates success, its manager can often be thinking: “We could do better.” Executive coach Dan Rockwell warns against poisoning the celebration – a gallon of good – with an ounce of bad. Savour the success. Improve another time. 

Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.