Psychologist Adam Grant wants you to ditch small talk to build deeper connections

Adam Grant may be an expert in human relationships, but once upon a time he was a shy introvert who struggled to connect.

Now a bestselling author of books such as Think Again and Give and Take, a public speaker and an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School, Grant has spent decades working to uncover the secret ingredients necessary for meaningful, lasting connections. His new book, Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World, offers practical, insightful advice for creating and sustaining bonds amidst a growing loneliness crisis.

“It’s now much more common for people to lead an isolated, solitary existence because of technology,” Grant said. “The explosion of AI has meant that a lot of people are defaulting to calling a chatbot their companion instead of having real human interactions, and there’s a growing body of evidence to suggest that a one-sided ‘relationship’ with a machine actually exacerbates loneliness.”

Using studies, expert knowledge and real-world stories, Grant’s new book exposes a number of surprising truths about how to form and keep relationships. For example, closeness does not have to take a long time to create, intensity (not adversity) accelerates connection, and how often you interact with someone is an important force for building a bond but not necessarily for sustaining one.

”This is a moment where people are struggling to connect and they need to figure out how to get better at it,” Grant said. “I don’t think there’s anything that matters more than human connection.”

The Globe and Mail spoke to Grant about how he went from shy introvert to social butterfly, what it truly means to “vibe” and the steps any person can take to create deeper relationships.

What does it really mean to “vibe” with someone?

 I think about a vibe as the quality of connection between two people. It’s the feeling when your energy is soaring, conversations are pulsating, ideas are flowing and you lose track of time. You start to feel closer, and that’s not just something that you’re imagining – neuroscientists have shown that when people are vibing, their brainwaves and their heartbeats are synchronizing. A strong vibe is really the lifeblood of happiness and success and it’s vital to our health.

How did you go from being shy to learning to form strong connections with people?

I had a professor, Brian Little, who changed my life. He’s a Canadian personality psychologist, and he was at Harvard on a fellowship when I was a student there. The first time I met him he sat down with me for what was supposed to be a 30-minute conversation and spent three hours with me, asking all about my interests and hobbies and answering all my questions.

In class, he modeled a series of rituals for better interaction that my classmates and I were able to exemplify. He would say things like, “Did you know it’s impossible to lick your elbow?” and then watch everyone try to do it. It felt like there was an electric charge in every class, and it changed the way we all interacted with each other.

Over time I realized that if you model these kinds of interactions, infused with curiosity and specific questions and getting people to think about things they never thought about before, that can change the dynamics of an interaction and spark a vibe where one didn’t exist before.

What are the different types of meaningful connections you discuss in the book?

There are three kinds of people in your life: allies, pals and companions. I think of allies as people who share your goals, such as a coworker or teammate – you’re on a mission together. Pals are people who share your interests and hobbies, and companions are people who share your values, you care about each other. It’s important to be clear about what kind of bond you’re trying to build with someone, because the way that you would interact if you’re trying to become closer allies is very different than if you want to be pals or companions.

In your book you discuss the concept of “pebbling.” Can you explain what that is?

The name comes from a ritual that some penguins do when they’re courting potential mates. They present smooth, shiny pebbles, which signals, “I can build a nest with you.” The modern equivalent is sending people an article you think they might enjoy or a meme they’d find funny. Every time you send someone a pebble, it’s a little act of care. It’s saying, “I remember your interests. I thought of you. I see you. I want to be closer to you.”

The research shows that if you meet somebody new and afterward you follow up and send a pebble, even if it’s weeks later, that brings you closer together. The same is true if you’re trying to reconnect with somebody that you’ve lost touch with, even if it’s been a decade.

What is one of the best ways to form and accelerate a close connection?

Skip the small talk and go right to deep talk. Research shows that if instead of asking about the weather you go right to, “Tell me about your biggest regret,” it actually brings you closer. Just eight or nine minutes of having that kind of deep talk is enough to accelerate a bond.