Your childhood says more about your leadership style than you think

Eric Tung, James Kim and Mike James Ross are consultants and experts at Egon Zehnder in Toronto and Montreal.

When you think about what shaped the way you lead, what comes to mind? Maybe a traumatic boardroom presentation that taught you never to show up unprepared? Or an inspiring mentor who showed you the impact a great leader can have on people’s confidence and careers. Or even a defining promotion that reinforced the value of grit and determination?

Most leaders assume their leadership styles come from events in their careers. But the roots of many of our leadership behaviours often stretch back much further to early shaping moments. Family dynamics, childhood experiences, early responsibilities, sports, adversity and formative relationships can all affect what we bring into leadership roles.

In our work with leaders, we find that the most illuminating personal discoveries often come when they widen the lens in this way. When they take the time to reflect on the experiences that shaped them, the connections are surprising.

Patterns that seem tied to a particular setback, mentor or success frequently trace back to earlier experiences that established a deeper underlying belief. The boardroom presentation may have felt so consequential because it reinforced an understanding that preparation creates safety and control, a belief shaped by the experience of moving cities often as a child. The mentor may have resonated because they modeled the kind of support or confidence you wished you had received earlier in life. The career-defining success may have validated a belief that dates back to that first part-time job you had in high school: that hard work, independence or having the answers is what earns respect and drives results.

Over time, these experiences become unconscious “rules” for how we show up and lead others. Unless given a compelling reason to do so, leaders rarely stop to examine which parts of their story still serve them and which may need updating. That compelling reason has arrived.

Artificial intelligence and other disruptions are reshaping how work gets done at an unprecedented pace. Leaders now need to reassess what is working for them, what is no longer serving them and what they may need to unlearn, evolve or update. They need to adapt.

Yet adaptation is difficult because leaders are not simply changing a behaviour. They are questioning a belief about what makes them effective.

Behind every instinct, strength and leadership habit is a belief system shaped by deep experiences. As a result, especially in uncertain environments, people naturally gravitate toward familiar and proven behaviours. Consider the leader who moved cities frequently as a child, learning to manage uncertainty by preparing carefully for new environments. That instinct becomes a leadership strength: doing the homework, anticipating scenarios and rarely entering an important meeting unprepared. But in the age of AI, where the answers and even the questions are continually changing, the same leader may need to become more comfortable experimenting before everything is known.

The challenge for most leaders is not that they lack the ability or even the willingness to change. Instead, it is that they are often unaware of the beliefs driving their behaviour in the first place. Before we can adapt how they lead, we must first understand what shaped how we lead. To move forward we must first take a big step back.

Conducting an audit of your shaping moments

The goal is not to dismiss the past. The goal is to understand what it taught you and how those experiences continue to influence the way you lead today.

Conduct an audit of your shaping moments through multiple sources of insight: personal reflection, performance reviews, 360-degree feedback, psychometric assessments, coaching conversations and discussions with people who know you well.

Using these inputs, work through three questions:

What shaped me? Map the formative moments in your life, from childhood to today. Look beyond your career to the people, relationships, responsibilities, setbacks and successes that influenced who you are today.

How do these show up in how I lead? Look for threads connecting those experiences to how you think, make decisions and lead. Aim to understand which patterns have helped you succeed and which may now be holding you back.

What do I choose to do with them? Before any important decision, conversation or challenge, pause and ask:

• What am I about to do?
• What pattern, belief or assumption is showing up and where might it come from?
• Is this still useful and does it fit the situation?
• What other options do I have here?

These questions are less about second-guessing every decision and more designed to enhance awareness around which of your shaping moments are helpful or limiting. Don’t abandon the instincts that made you successful but ensure they remain relevant to the challenges you face today.

Every leader has shaping moments. Some are obvious and frequently on our minds; others are hidden in experiences we have long since forgotten. In all cases, those moments influence what we value, what we believe good leadership looks like and how we show up to lead every day. The better we understand those moments, the better we understand ourselves as leaders.

This column is part of Globe Careers’ Leadership Lab series, where executives and experts share their views and advice about the world of work. Find all Leadership Lab stories at tgam.ca/leadershiplab.