Here’s a suggestion on the Kawhi Leonard-Clippers drama – forget it happened

If the reporting is to be believed, the question is no longer if would-be Toronto Raptor Kawhi Leonard was getting backhanders to play in L.A. It’s who wasn’t paying him.

So far, we’ve got a sponsorship deal with since-bankrupt e-services company (whatever that is), Aspiration. It turns out that Aspiration was in part funded by Clippers owner Steve Ballmer.

Then there’s the company that made the scoreboard for the Clippers’ arena. According to a report by podcaster Pablo Torre, the company paid Leonard “millions” to be its spokesperson. To speak about what exactly? Pixels-per-square-centimetre? Were they hoping Clippers’ fans would start buying scoreboards for their two-bedroom-plus-a-dens in Inglewood?

This story has legs, and not because anyone is outraged. It’s because people are delighted to be affirmed in their belief that being rich has very little to do with intelligence.

Meanwhile, the investigation into Leonard’s various deals is ongoing, verging on eternal.

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In order to get it wrapped up, the NBA and its Players’ Association will have to agree on an outcome. It’s not clear what mechanism the league has to punish a player paid in brown envelopes by guys who make really enormous TV screens.

Then Ballmer – who is the wealthiest owner in the sport – will have to agree to whatever they agree to. If that multi-step consensus isn’t reached, this could be litigated forever.

Here’s a suggestion – forget it happened. Release whatever report they’re going to release, let the internet feast on it for a week, promise to close up the gaps and move on like none of this took place. Because that’s where it will end up eventually.

It seems to me that three things are happening here. First, that whatever Ballmer and Leonard agreed to was shifty in some way. Second, that no one actually cares. Third, that it doesn’t matter.

At worst, what Ballmer and Leonard have done is circumvent the salary cap. What is the salary cap for? It isn’t to safeguard the integrity of the game, nor is it to promote parity. Its one and only function is to protect the teams’ owners. Mostly from themselves, but also from each other.

The ownership fib that leagues without cap are a monopoly waiting to happen is entirely self-serving. It’s why the rest of baseball is doing whatever it can to concede this year’s World Series to the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Once L.A. wins and baseball’s collective agreement expires in December, the owners can start bleating about integrity and parity. No one will bother mentioning the fact that in the 23 years preceding the Dodgers’ current run, 16 teams won a title.

The real problem with what Leonard and Ballmer (allegedly) did isn’t that it was wrong. It’s that it was done so shoddily.

Who does their crooked business this way? I know nothing about high finance, and I feel like I could be the best money launderer in the NBA tomorrow, just because I paid attention during Ozark.

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Start buying up strip clubs, make the guy a partner in them and then pay out in cash. Go in on a chain of hotels and renovate them forever. Put a yacht in your cousin’s wife’s name and raffle it off. Guess who bought the winning ticket! This isn’t difficult. These dingdongs just made it look that way.

Whether or not it’s a crime is beyond my purview, but if so, I’m hard pressed to locate a victim. So Leonard made more than LeBron James, who was better in the same city during that period, but less than Cristiano Ronaldo, who is legally stealing from the Saudis. We are all the lesser for any of this how?

Had the Clippers gone on a Dodgers-like romp through the NBA during Leonard’s tenure, somebody could claim to have been hard-done by. But they were terrible. Not just averagely bad. Actively awful.

The worst part of the Leonard deal wasn’t the funny money behind the scenes. It was the larcenous personnel decisions the Clippers made out in the open.

Ballmer gave away five first rounders and current MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander to get Leonard his preferred sidekick, Paul George. The Raptors will give them two first-rounders, Brandon Ingram, Gradey Dick and some other bits and bobs back for Leonard.

If your whole brief in life is proving Bill Gates wasn’t the smart one in the partnership, this unassailable proof that you aren’t very bright is much more hurtful than any suspension.

If you want to punish Leonard, don’t suspend him. Force him to come back to Toronto and work for a miserly US$600,000 per game. After federal and provincial taxes, that’s about 1,200 bucks a week.

If you want to punish Ballmer, sign Bill Burr to do an audiobook of the league’s final report. In particular, have him read out every idiotic decision Ballmer made in an increasingly incredulous tone of voice. Get Gates to do the laugh track.

If justice is what you’re after, its already been done. The Clippers were a joke before Leonard got there, and they’re an even bigger punchline now. It’ll take them a decade at least to unwind the damage Ballmer did.

If you want an instructive lesson, it’s been delivered. Let any owner who’s thinking of going full dark arts to purchase a legacy get a good, long look at Ballmer right now, swinging off a reputational branch he tied himself to. Better to lose every game than be snickered at in the hallways during Davos.

If there’s a moral failure here, it’s that we live in a society where a back-up point guard makes 100 times more than an ICU nurse. The NBA does not have an investigative process to tackle that conundrum.

Had Ballmer funded hospitals instead of basketball stars, he’d be much less ridiculous, and a little more admired. But that makes what he did absurd, rather than important.